Cut the Shit

This will be my last entry until after I return from the Bahamas.

I leave work today at 5pm and will not be looking back once. I don’t have to come to this place for 9 whole days. It’s like the best thing to happen to me all year. It’s not that my job is so bad, per se, but just knowing that the next week and a half is for me…ah yes. Freedom in its truest form.

I just finished reading The World of Normal Boys. Ahmad let me borrow it before we stopped hanging out and I just finally got around to reading it. There are very few books that have impacted me the way this one did. The story was captivating, the characters were beautiful, the emotions conveyed so honest and real. The book sent my entire world into a free fall. As I closed the book, I sat staring at the trees in the park and contemplated my existence. How lucky am I to be who I am? How blessed am I to have the family and friends that I have? Gosh, some people don’t have it nearly as good as I do. I cried and let the tears flow down my face, unashamed.

Reading this book was one of the best experiences I have had all week. I feel touched in the most incredible way. A mixture of happiness and sadness balled into one.

Because so much is going on around me right now it is hard to exhibit any sort of control. I feel good, but I feel anxious. So much to do, yet none of it is negative. I don’t necessarily like feeling this way. I like to have control over my life and over the emotions that result. Unfamiliar feelings scare me. At times, I think that I should avoid books like this, as it brings so many delicate topics right to the surface. However, I always walk away a stronger and better person because of it.

In other news…I am petrified of the upcoming flight to the Bahamas. I am sure that everything will be fine and that there won’t be any problems. There hasn’t been an airline accident (in the US) in over a year. But the unknown…the wondering…the time that I have to sit and fantasize about my horrible death. Please God let this flight be smooth. Calm me down, relax me into it, and let me enjoy it for what it’s worth. I have been waiting so long for this moment. Don’t want it to be ruined by superficial fears.

Trust in God.

I will miss all of you while I am gone. Miss the routine of it all. If there is any chance that I can find a computer in Freeport, I will stop in and give a quick hello. But if not, I hope that everyone has a painless and enjoyable week. Do something for yourself. Tell someone that you love them, even if they are driving you crazy. Take 20 minutes out of your day to spend thinking and analyzing yourself, your situation in life. Do this and find some peace.

Gosh, next time I write in here, this whole trip will be over.

If for some reason I don’t make it through the flight, I need my Rita to take care of my friends and family that I have left behind. Kelly, you are in charge of disposing of my dildos, porn, and anything else that would otherwise embarrass the other people in my life. I trust in you two the most. You know everything about me.

Alright, that is it. I am leaving for a trip that will hopefully bring a moving and life changing experience.

Be good everyone!

And

Don’t forget about me.

I came home tonight and sat down at my computer.

Alone in my house. Alone, in general, for the first time in a long time.
It's weird cuz back in the day, 2 months ago, I was spending every night
alone in my room. Upset, sad that I had nothing to get me out of bed.

Here I sit now, busy and happy. The two seem to cooperate so perfectly.

Remember this moment Joe.

Remember the introspective nature of this feeling.

There are times when everything slows down for a moment and you
are given the chance to truly experience it. Seemingly for the first
time of your life. But you've been in this place before and your concious
knows that. Yet, this time it feels different. This time it feels real.

It's rare to experience peace like this. It leaves faster than it comes.

But the sheer exhiliration of it all makes these moments worth the wait.
Worth the sadness and worth the frustration that is commonplace.

Still

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Much better mood today.

Thank the goodness.

However, my comments are PISSING me the fuck off! I have tried adding “Squawkbox” in an effort to get some sort of comment system back, but instead, all I got was a “SquawkboxTV” icon. No comments. RAWR! Ari is having the same trouble, so at least I am not alone in my problem. Why oh why is my blogger so gay?
Don’t answer that.

72 hours until I leave for the biggest trip of my life! Woo HOOODLE! So thrilled. Boneriffic! Supersplendific! Cumonmyfaceeriffic! Ieatmyownshittastic! enough.

After my rehearsal last night, I was shocked to find Paul waiting for me in my bedroom at home. After the night we had on Monday, I was sure I wouldn’t hear from him again until the trip, but there he was…totally brightening my mood. We had a good rest of the night together. We watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It’s pretty good. And that’s about all I have to say about that. (can you tell that it made quite the impression on me?)

HOWEVER…Paul introduced me to a show called Da Ali G. It’s this one-man show on HBO. I don’t really know how to describe it, without ruining it, except to say that it is the funniest shit I have seen in my whole entire life. While watching back to back to back episodes the other night, I couldn’t contain my howling laughter. I mean, seriously. It is SO funny that I would give up sex with Paul every night if I could just watch 10 minutes of it. Oh. Oops. I’ve already given up sex with Paul. Yeah, even trade. Please please PLEASE take 27 minutes out of your day to tune in and watch it. I promise you will not be disappointed. The end.

I did, in fact, cancel my plans with Ahmad for this evening. He handled it very well, as he is porking his new gay boyfriend, Leo. Ahmad called me to wish me a “Good trip” and I brought up the Leo thing. Just to know what was going on. He got all uncomfortable and was like “I can’t talk about this at work.” Yeah fucking right. So I pushed him farther. “How long have you and Leo been dating?” “About a week or two.” “Have you hooked up?” “Yes, but it was very minor. Kissing here and there.” (Then I found the opportunity to zing him) “Do you realize, Ahmad, that in the last 7 weeks you have had 3 different partners?” (Like I give a shit at ALL about that, but I KNEW that it would make him a bit upset) “Yes, I realize that Joe. But I would settle on one partner if the guy was just interested enough to continue our relationship.” OOOPS. Pushed that one too far. “No, you definitely should pursue things with Leo. Um…I gotta go now.” I laughed it off and got off the phone slapping myself in the head. Why do I DO things like that? Am I really that immature?
Don’t answer that question either.

I am about to leave to have lunch with Mariah. I am taking a 2-hour lunch today. I just decided. I also decided that I love candy-coated candy. Yum, right?

UM!

I just got back from my lunch with Mariah. You are NEVER going to believe what happened! We were casually sitting, having a nice lunch, when chaos broke loose! People go RUNNING down the street, cop cars are everywhere, and there is tons of screaming. Everyone in the restaurant gets up and walks outside. Mariah and I pick up the baby she is the nanny for and we join the crowd. Down the block, we are told, there is a GUNMAN shooting people in City Hall! UM!!!!!! We all duck back into the restaurant as the police scream to everyone “Get off the street! Move into the buildings!”

We rush back to our table and one of the bartenders turns the television to CNN. We watch as they do a live broadcast, telling of a crazy person shooting people in City Hall. Councilman James Davis was killed and as of right now, we don't know who else was killed.

It is RIGHT OUTSIDE the spot that we chose to have lunch! We barely finish our meals and grab our shit to go. She and I barrel through the crowds and make it to the subway. It was absolutely NUTS! And it also figures…the day I take a 2-hour lunch is the day that I end up in the middle of gunfire. (ok, so not so in the middle of gunfire, but CLOSE ENOUGH!)

All in all it was great to see Mariah and I love that every time she and I get together, there is madness. It makes hanging out with her so exciting. BTW…amidst the chaos, the baby wanted nothing, but to eat my french fries. Stupid baby.

Ok…I am almost done with work and THANK HEAVENS!

This week has been an udder beast.
Yes I meant UDDER.

It’s been a beast with teets.

My job has been the demise of my existence today. I have a ton of shit to do, the people are driving me up the fucking wall, and there is no reprieve, ever. It figures. I should have expected that it would be like this. Every time I have some extended time off from this shithole, everything seems to fall apart right before I leave. And I even detect some guilt being thrown my way. As though I am not totally deserved in going away on my vacation. Twatmothafuckingever.

Paul and I spent the majority of our evening, last night, fighting. Well, in all honesty, he was amazing for the first three hours, while I was a bitch. I couldn’t shake my bad mood and every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to kill him. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, but the fury and disdain I was feeling manifested itself into an incredibly horrible attitude.

Finally I broke out of my bad mood around 9pm and Paul picked up where I left off. At one point, he got so angry with me that he threw my pillow at me and told me to go to bed. By then I was done with my pouty, selfish, bullshit, and looked at him as though I couldn’t possibly figure out why he was so angry. He screamed and screamed for awhile and I just got into bed. We fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed. I woke up, in the middle of the night, and kissed him on his forehead. He smiled and said “Thank you” and that’s the last thing that we said to each other.

I’m just in one of those moods. I’m stressed out about the vacation, about my job, about how much I have to do. I don’t have time to see the people I want to see and the people I have to see are pissing me off to no end. I feel angry inside. And there is no reason for that. I am about to go away on the best vacation of my life, yet I can’t find a way to get through this fucking irritating week. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAH!

I had pizza for lunch today. It’s been weeks since I did that. You should have heard the debate that was going on in my head about this stupid decision. “Don’t do it Joe. You’ve come too far to ruin your diet with two slices of pizza for lunch.” “Oh just fucking do it. Two slices of pizza will do nothing more than make your mood better.” So I ate the pizza and then got angry at myself when it was finished. Why did I think that drowning my attitude in grease and fat was going to cure anything? Now I’m angry AND bloated AND I have to wear a bathing suit in less than 5 days. Wonderful.

Ahmad and I are supposed to go see Terminator 3 tomorrow night. However, we had a short e-mail exchange today in which he exposed the fact that he is dating a new guy, named Leo. Deep down I want to be happy for him and I want to be happy for me. Ahmad is moving on and it looks as though I won’t have to confront our break-up conversation again. But the petty and ridiculous side of me is pissed off that he is dating someone else. I know it’s not fair and I know that he has done nothing wrong, but with the way I have felt over the past few days, I feel like I could jump on the subway, ride over to his office building, and spit in his face.

Obviously I won’t be spitting in anyone’s face. But I will be canceling our little trip to the movie theater tomorrow night. I just can’t help it. He should ask Leo to go with him.

God, I suck today.

Alright, back to work. I think there is some data entry calling my name and it’s probably best that I take out my aggression on that, rather than on the people in my life that don’t deserve such nonsense.

Hey, we’re all allowed a bad day every now and then, right?

Take two minutes to make sure that I am allowed to get married.

This morning as I took my shit and read my Entertainment Weekly, I found myself staring at a picture of Jason Mraz. Now, we understand that I have a new obsession with his music, but as I sat atop my toilet, I realized that it wasn’t the music I was thinking about. His skinny little body, dressed up in his jeans and hoody, made me incredibly horny. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to unbuckle those jeans and feel his girth while he held the back of my neck and kissed me.

SICK! He’s skinny! What was WRONG with me?!?! Maybe I am growing up after all.

I leave for the Bahamas on Saturday! AY YI YI! While enduring some pretty heavy constipation earlier, I sat and thought about the flight. Within minutes, the nerves in my stomach broke up my packed up bowels and the poop exploded with success. Basically that was my disgusting way of letting you know that I am nervous as all hell about the flight. When I told Paul that I was pretty scared, his response was “You know Joe, if it’s our time to die there is nothing you can really do about it.” Thanks Paul. You totally squelched my fears.

I had an absolutely INCREDIBLE time with Rita this weekend. Swear to God, the visit flew by so fast that I sit here shocked that I went to Syracuse and back. We had so many drinks, so many conversations, so many laughs. I spent some quality time with her fiancée and he asked me to be in the wedding. On the grooms side. Rita and I thought it was best for me to wear a tux, rather than in my beautiful bridesmaid dress. You understand.

Rita introduced me to the world of moisturizing. I have been battling this eczema/psoriasis thing, on my face, for years, but for the most part, it is under control. However, I woke up on Sunday morning to discover that both of my cheeks were COVERED in dry skin. I’m talking lizard-like scales that made me look as though I was preparing for Halloween, 3 months early. Rita gave me a bottle of sensitive, Clinique lotion to use until my face gets under control. Well, wouldn’t you know it? That little genius of a Rita has given me the gift of healthy moisturized skin! It looks MUCH better. Just wish I was smart enough to figure that one out on my own. Sometimes I am such a boy it’s ridiculous.

I haven’t seen Ahmad since my birthday. We spoke on the phone once. So last week, I sent him a forwarded email questionnaire thing-a-majigger. One of the questions was “What did you do last night?” Ahmad’s answer was “Had an awesome date with a great guy. We had two bottles of wine and a nice dinner.” Funny, cuz I thought he and I were still dating, but clearly he is with someone else. Another question was “Do you like the person who sent this to you?” Ahmad’s answer to that one was “Sure.” My initial reaction was “What a cunt smeller!”

I’m not complaining that Ahmad is pulling himself away from me. It’s fine. I want him to pull away from me because I don’t know how to tell him that he and I are totally over. Unfortunately, I would still like to be friends with him and I am unsure if that is going to be a possibility. We are supposed to go see Terminator 3 on Wednesday and I am already trying to come up with a way to cancel. But if I do cancel, he will surely hate me forever. I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with any of this until I come back from the Bahamas. That’s fair, right? Actually I don’t care if it’s fair at all…it’s what’s going to happen.

Everything is my life is going pretty well these days. Rehearsals are great, work is hectic as fuck, but fine - my parents are good, my brother is doing well, and yeah. Overall I feel great! I get nervous when I have this feeling. Like I shouldn’t enjoy the relaxed nature of everything. It is so rare for there to be any calm in my life, that when it does happen, I feel as though something is surely going to show up and turn everything upside down. I am perpetually stuck in the “dropping of the other shoe” theory.

Then again, maybe I should just stop it and allow myself to feel good.

4 more days until I leave for my trip. I don’t think I have ever been this anxious and excited about something in my life. I am leaving the country for the first time!

And my first question to my mom this morning was “Will our condo have cable?”

Ah geez Joe.

Cut the Shit.

Have an AMAZING weekend everyone!

I am off to Syracuse to visit the love of my life: MISS RITA LOVELY!

Be back on Monday with tales of raunch, gore, and love.

Having good hair is extremely important to me.

That is why I absolutely hate going to the hairdresser. My hair is pin straight and if not cut correctly, will stick up to the ceiling, despite any amount of gel or pomade I use. So imagine my surprise when the lady spun me around in my chair today and I was like “YAHOO! That is a “do” after my own heart!” No joke, I hugged her as I was leaving.

Then I stiffed her on the tip.

Sike.

I decided, while walking the streets of the Upper West Side, that I LOVE the male body. I love the way it looks, I love the way it feels, I love the way clothes fall on a man. Gosh, I love it all. Like seriously in LOVE with man body. The more muscle, the better. To me, it exemplifies masculinity and strength. A real man takes care of his woman. A real man works hard at his job and just as hard in his personal life. A real man should embody everything beautiful and spiritual in the world. I love men.

My favorite body part on a man is the arms. I love big and strong, built up arms. I love when a guy flexes for me and I love when he is confident during the flex. A love a man that will pick me up. I love a man that wants me to sit on his lap. I love a man who can do all of these things and not emasculate me in the process. I know, sounds like irony in its truest form, but as a gay man, this is how I feel.

A man who will pull his shirt off and get under his pick-up truck to do some manual labor wins my heart immediately. I much prefer blue collared men to the Wall Street banker world of white collared snore. I like a man with dirty hands. I like a man who has bulging forearms, with veins snaking up the interior. I like a man that smells of sweat. I like a man that works for everything he has and refuses to accept pity.

My man also has to have a sense of humor. He has to be able to keep up a conversation, to read people, to stand by me even when I am wrong. My man will put his arm around me when I cry as well as when I have accomplished something important. When I feel low, it will be my man that cheers me up. My man will understand me because he will love me.

I don’t care what my man’s face looks like. I have enough face for the two of us. I do, however, care that my man is physically fit. He must work on his body and treat it as though it is his temple. He must exercise, eat well, and keep on me to do the same. (pizza binges excluded) My man will take me to the gym with him. He will teach me new and improved ways of keeping myself fit. My man will be my mentor and my supporter in all of these endeavors.

I think that this is a pretty good description of the ideal man. Obviously, when you fall in love, some, if not most of these requirements, become unimportant. You fall in love with who someone is, not what they look like or how many times they have been to the gym. I just hope that the next time I fall in love, it is with someone who has more of these qualities than the men I have been with previously.

I just wonder what it would be like to be in a loving and nurturing relationship with a man of this nature.

I guess I’ll keep wondering.

I’m gay.

So this morning I woke up at 6:30am to go to the DMV downtown. I don’t think I have gotten up that early since I was in high school. I thought it was going to be a lot more of a pain in the ass than it was. I woke up before the alarm, which I always tend to do, but not when I have to get up an hour earlier. In any case, the DMV was mostly painless and I was able to keep my old driver’s license! WOO HOOOOO! Now I don’t have to worry about only having the temp. card for when I go to the BAHAMA MAMAS. That took a LOAD of pressure off my back.

When I was waiting to get my picture taken, I fell in love with the most beautiful specimen of a man that has ever existed. Seriously, no contest. This man wins the awards for best body, best face, best hair, best clothes, best sex appeal, and the clincher…best voice. He opened his mouth to read the eye chart and this deep and sexy voice came out of his manly throat and I literally gaped in awe of him. He and I made a ton of eye contact and I hoped with every being in my life that he was gay AND also attracted to me. And also attracted to me enough that he would approach me and ask me out to dinner.

Then he did.

He strolled right up to me, took his shirt off and picked me up in his arms. I stared into his dark and deep brown eyes as he kissed me on the forehead. I started to cry. “I’m in love with you”, he said. “I’m in love with you too”, I said. He carried me out of the DMV and down the street. People were staring at us, but I didn’t care. I had finally found the love of my life. He walked us down into the subway and stood there holding me, waiting for the train to come. “You can put me down now”, I said. “I don’t think so”, he replied. “But I’m getting kind of embarrassed, so you can put me down any time you are ready”, I said back. This man of my dreams held onto me even tighter and I finally released into him, cuddling as close as I could to his awesome chest.
I could see the lights of the train coming down the track. “Ok, put me down please so I can get onto the train”. “No, fucker.” he said. “Fucker?” I thought out loud. Did he really just call me fucker? Sumptins up. I looked into his eyes to see if it was possible. He just smiled back, holding onto me with every muscle in his arms. As the train approached, this stud kissed me on the forehead again and tossed me into the tracks. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed.

But it was too late. The last thing I remember is the blinding glare of the headlights.

After that, there were doctors and hospitals and snores. Now I’m back at work, but a little wiser than I was when I woke up this morning.

Gosh, what a weird day it has been so far.

Tonight I am hanging out with a friend of mine from high school. Her name is Hannah and she and I have known each other since I was a freshman. That’s the longest I have known any friend. She and I don’t talk or see each other often, but every time we spend time together, I enjoy it immensely. It will be great to catch up with her and she always makes me laugh so hard. I’m looking forward to it.

Last night was our first official read through of Stupid Kids. I am falling madly in love with the cast. Everyone is smart and funny and seemingly talented. (Will get a better feel for that as the weeks progress). There is no problem making conversation either and no one is a show off or name dropper; which in acting, is a rare find.

Ian, the guy who plays my partner in the show, and I get along very well so far. Last night he and I talked quite a bit about our lives. He is easy to talk to and pretty interesting. He also exudes so much sex appeal, but is (fortunately) so not my type. I am really hoping to develop a true friendship with him through this experience. Especially since he is straighter than straight and has to make out with me for the next 3 months. It is going to be so weird to kiss a straight boy. I mean, as I have said in this journal, I have been known for kissing my fair share of “straights”, but this time, I really believe that he is. I won’t be trying to turn him gay and that’s new for me. Plus, if I start to develop ANY feelings for him at all, I have to do Kelly’s laundry.

Fuck you Ian. I ain’t doin no motha fuckas motha fuckin laundry. YEAH. yeah.

Kelly and our friend, Angie, are going to see Ani Difranco perform tonight.
That was a boring story.

Want to see where Paul and I are staying in the Bahamas?
SHO you do.

Here it is: Bahama Trip!


Fun, right?

Oh please, you don’t even KNOW me.

I’m getting my gut something to eat!

My comments are acting like a bitch.

I have just about had it with the entire Klink family.

What should I use instead??

Just got back from having a wonderful hour of sunbathing in Riverside Park. I figure that I really have to start getting myself a base tan if I am going to be heading off to the Bahamas in a week and a half! UM! YAY!

So I had a minor freak out last night when I realized that not only do I not have a Passport, I don’t have my Driver’s License renewed. When you turn 26 in NY, you have to get a new license and re-take the eye test, etc. Whatever, I kept putting it off cuz it costs $50. Now I have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and go to the DMV in order to get it taken care of. Most likely I will not have the actual license until after I get back from the Bahamas, but I will have the temporary one on me at all times. I hope that works for Bahaman bars.

I called the travel company today in a panic when I thought that I needed a passport. They informed me that I only need my birth certificate and a picture ID. Since I won’t have my license by then, she said that my work ID would be okay. I hope she was right, cuz otherwise, I will be spending my time at the Bahamas, fighting with the John F. Kennedy airport security. Can anyone calm my nerves on this and re-assure me that all I do need is a birth certificate and a picture ID? For some reason the travel agent didn’t squelch any of my fears.

Ooh…I definitely got some color today. Rock.

So I boofed just now and poop almost came out. Maybe I should go take a little shit.

Paul and I are doing extremely well these days. We actually got up a little early this morning and talked in bed before we had to leave to go to our respective jobs. We have never done that before. Usually I have to leave a lot earlier than he does, so I just let him sleep.

Last night we were up laughing so hard for so long that I almost burst with happiness. We had a discussion about the Ahmad thing and about future hook-ups. He said that he is totally cool with the fact that I may want to hook up with other people besides him. (Especially since we are still not hooking up these days.) But he is really uncomfortable with me dating anyone else or pursuing any other type of relationship. I told him that I understood and that I thought that was fair. It was the first time in as long as I can remember that we had a conversation of this nature and didn’t end up slicing each other’s faces off in the process. Are Paul and Joe actually becoming a real couple afterall?? I mean, it has been 3 years, 7 months, and 6 days. Bout motha fuckin time.

So I am quite the celebrity at work what with my HUGE face in the paper. My boss wants me to photocopy it so that he can put it up in my building for when the students return. I told him that I thought the idea was CRAZY, but he insists on me doing it. Ugh. “Hi students! Welcome back! Look at my fat head in the newspaper! How was YOUR summer?” Oh yeah, they’ll just love it.

My dad is CONVINCED that I could get a commercial deal with Sprint out of this whole thing. I tried so hard to explain to him that it just doesn’t happen that way. He refused to believe me and said that my situation is just like “Jared’s”. You know Jared don’t you? The Subway sandwich loser guy. “But Joe! Look at Jared. He won’t have to work another day in his life!” “Oh yeah dad? Well, I hope that I don’t become ‘Jared’ for a number of reasons; mostly being that I don’t want to be known as the fatty who became skinny from eating Veggie subs all day.” “Oh Joe, I figured you wouldn’t make the most out of this opportunity, but what do I know?” “Yeah dad. You are right. I’ll think about it.”

NEVER.

My parents seem to think that if you are blessed to have your picture in the paper, you should consider it an open opportunity for fame and fortune. I tried to explain that if that were true, there would be no regular people in the world. Everyone’s been in the paper at some point, for some thing, and we don’t have a gazillion celebrities running around. But nooooooooo….I’m lazy and missing out on my chance to make it big. Achoo.
Scuse me.

He’s just trying to help and I LOVE him for it. But I just need an agent. Then they can deal with my dad’s great big ideas. He wants me to make it so badly he can taste it. And so do I. But the subconscious pressure that comes from all of this makes me want to call up the Daily News and have them retract the whole thing.

Sike never. But you understand.

Turtle head turtle head how are you today?
Very very well my friend, can I come out to play?
Turtle head turtle head why do you hurt me so?
Well you trap me inside your bowels, you fucking little ho.

Turtle head turtle head, are you trying to hurt my heart?
Let me out your sphincter, or I’ll juicify your fart.
Turtle head turtle head, you have won this round.
I will win them all and here comes poop with sound.

Peace out y’all!

One more thing...

I am working on a blogger for my past theater performance pics. For my resume, etc. I started it in April and am really using it as a place to store the links I find, until I have some time to organize the page.

But for now...

If you want a good laugh...click here. (sike...the link has been removed now. It was only there for ONE day. If you missed it, you missed it. SORRY)

Could my mouth BE any bigger?

shut the fuck up chandler. Shut up now and forever.

Drop it like it’s hot, drop drop it like it’s hot.

SO!

The Daily News article came out yesterday. I don’t know if you read down after Friday’s post to see me freaking out about the “preview” they put in Friday’s paper. Well, yesterday morning at 7am, my phone began ringing off the hook. I stayed in bed not answering, so afraid that I was going to hate the picture or that even worse, they wouldn’t use it in the real article. Eventually I got out of bed and walked to the local convenience store to buy a couple copies. I got home, I sat, and I opened up the paper and my eyes BUGGED out of my head.

Not only is the picture IN the paper…it is the COVER of the Lifeline section! HAHAHAHAHA! No for real!
It was a FULL-page picture. I pooped my pants immediately, then I burst out laughing, then I almost cried, then I went in to my bedroom to think about what had just happened. God, how could I have pooped in my own pants??

I smoked a cigarette and stared at the picture for about 20 long minutes. “It doesn’t look like me at all?” I thought to myself. “I must weigh close to 350# in the picture” I worried to myself. “This is so surreal” I finally decided.

The article was pretty good too. I was happy with the quotes she used and yeah! It was a complete thrill. Supposedly, they sell the Daily News around the country, so my dad went out yesterday and bought every copy they had in the local CVS. My uncles did the same in San Francisco. I bought two copies and plan on laminating them so I can stare at myself for the rest of my life. LAME! Okay, that’s it. Do you want to see it? Promise you will be nice to me about it? I don’t really look like I am pregnant in real life, but as you know, sometimes the camera adds babies to your otherwise non-baby filled stomach. Whatever. Here is the internet version of the article. (sike, the link has been removed. YOU missed it. I'm sorry.)

In other news…I am off to visit my friend Rita this weekend. Really looking forward to it. ROCK.
More news…I leave for my Bahamas vacation a week from Saturday. UM!
Still some news…my niggle has healed. There is still a tiny bump, but it doesn’t hurt at all anymore. Sorry for freaking out about it…it’s just…well…it’s my niggle. And I don’t like when niggles hurt.
And finally…I am going to get a new checking account today. That’s pretty fun, since Chase Manhattan Bank sucks a fatty. They charge you fees for everything and I am TIRED of that nonsense.

Alright…that’s it for now.

Now and Laters. Yum.

Okay, so I know I don't post on weekends, but tonight is a big deal. Regardless of the fact
that I'm wasted and already typed this post once, I will continue to do it up.

It's just that I have to tell you something.

I AM IN THE Daily News paper today. Do you have any idea how hard it was to put the HTML
of italics in just now. So hard. Anyhow...

Kelly and I went out for a few quick drinks tonight with Mariah. Well, Joanna shows up and she's
like"Joe, have you seen the newspaper today?? I'm like "Hells no." Cuz well, hells no.

She then opens up the paper and there under "Coming Sunday" is MY PICTURE about not having a cell
phone. No seriously. (I am dying laughing as I type this). And also so wasted. But I am
trying my best to be serious.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My picture is in the fucking Daily news. Fuck italics.

Right under Cameron Diaz's stupid plug is MY fat ass being like "I have NO REGRETS about not having
a cellie in the city". Like I ever said that I have "No regrets". Like I would EVER say that. Cuz
honestly, I WANT a cell phone. I'm just poor and can't get one. But the PREVIEW of the article
makes it out like I am so happy to not have a cellie. In the pic, I am gazing off into the sky being
like "Oh thank God that cell phones don't exist in my world." Sick. They made me out to be such a loser.

But whatever...hahahahaha I'm in the newspaper.

This is why it's cool:


colon and then explain
sorry, speaking out loud.

Joanna said to me tonight:
"Joe, they interviewed like 4 or 5 people for this article, including me, and they chose
YOUR picture out of all of them to put into the paper."
Now maybe she was saying that only because when I saw the picture I vomited on myself twice,
but she made it out to be the biggest deal and you know what...to me it IS!
AY YI YI!

The minute I got home from the bar, I called everyone I loved.
My parents
Rita
Paul.

"Guess what??? I'm in the fucking paper!"

They chose MY pic! However sick it is, they chose my PIC! Do you have any idea how AMAZING I feel
right now? Gosh, so amazing. Thank you lord Jesus. I know that seems ridiculous, but to me....
the wannabe actor to have his picture in the paper...and like a HUGE REAL picture...to me...it's
God. Giving me the little boost that I need.

snores. Done. But really...YAY.

I miss my Reets. I called her immediately after I called my parents and actually I am calling
her again right now. I just want to share this with her. SO badly. Joe is in the paper.
Can I be more obnoxious about it?

It's just the biggest deal to me.

Wow.

Look...I have no idea how jumbled all of this sounds. I am typing, for the most part, free style.
I am not about to go back and edit out my bullshit at this point. I'm in the paper and what up.
If you don't like this entry, then you don't like that I'm in the paper and I don't know how to
be friends with you if you don't realize that this is a big deal for me right now.

hahahaha. sike.

But totally sorta sike. Cuz, I'm in the paper.

Under Cameron Diaz.

OKAY!

So I just had a very long talk with Mariah. It was probably one of the best "phone talks" we've
ever had. Basically cuz Rachel was in the room while we were talking and it was all
"Is Rizzle listening?"
"Yes, shizzle is hizzle."
"Okay, so let me ask you this", I say, "Is rizzle being a bizzle?"
"Yizzle your quizzle."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
cuz shizzle.

It was funny and great and I'm in the paper and way too exicted about it.

Alright, I'm outtie. Sike...major diatribe coming...

I want to thank the following people: (Look my first famous speech)

Rita. Cuz without Rita, there isn't a Joe. For rizzle.
Kelly. Cuz without Kelly, I would be totally alone.
Mariah. Cuz without Mariah, I wouldn't smile, laugh, or grow nearly as much as I did tonight.
My parents. They are everything.
Paul. For never being around during the important events.
ARI. For being the first person I called to share my news with. I know that she is an avid
reader of the DAILY NEWS. And when I called her to tell her that I was in the paper, she was tired,
but proved herself to be an incredibly important friend of mine when she immediately asked:
"Are you going to send the picture to Winfield?"
WOw. Thank you Ari.
Now my journalers...I love this. How fun.
A Girl Named Bob...for being the first journaler I fell head over heels in love with. You know Bob,
my friend Rita got me into this whole journal thing. Hence my thanking her for me being Joe.
But her first big journal inspiration is/was PAMMIE. PAMMIE.Com is pretty big now, but hearing the
way she talked about Pammie, reminds me of the way I talk about your journal. It's what I want
mine to be. Okay, I know I'm drunk and gushing ridiculously about you, but honestly...at some
point a forum needed to be presented to me so that I could explain my profound love for your journal.
You're exactly what I want my journal to turn into. The end.
Drowning Fish...You captivate me more than anyone else. Your stories peak my interest in the way
a dirty soap opera would. I know it sounds like a half-compliment, but the truth lies in this:
You choose to do an online journal, like the rest of us, but your story is real and intriguing. You
instigate feeling and opinion in your journal. Sometimes I walk away from your writings thinking
that you are wrong to be doing what you are doing, and sometimes I walk away thinking...thank God
she IS doing what she's doing. You instigate opinion in me. And for me, that is rare in online
journalers. I LOVE your journal.
Sassy...cuz you are the pioneer of women when it comes to this whole thing. You took a journal that
wasn't known and in the process of 6 months turned it into an icon. Yes, your writing is good. Yes
you are honest and true. But the thing that stands out most about you, is your sincere care for
your readership. Most people want the numbers, as do you and I, but you make sure that each number
is respected. You send out mugs. You give sass love. You are making a name for youself and I think
that if you keep up with this journal thing...you got yourself a copywrited, full fledge novel on
your hands. Damn girl. You got fired, cuz you are too good.
T-bone. T-bone is my internet crush. I know we talk about them. Well, I don't really. I love
you all. But of course I am gay, and I have an internet crush too. And it's a boy. Buv course.
But I am not crushing on T-bone in a physical way. I mean, is he a bodybuilder, cuz I don't think so.
He's not about that shit. He has a wife and a cutlet and he comes across like the most PERFECT
husband and man any woman would want. He truly cares about his life and he is happy with it.
Very rare to find that. He reads all of our journals every single day. He takes time and puts
in the effort to be that guy and I, for one, truly respect it. It seems that every time I go
to post a comment on someone's site, T-Bone has already been there and said a wittier comment in his
three minutes than I could come up with in my 37. Whatever. T-bone, I have a crush on your
journal. As I am sure that quite a few others do. But guess what? I bet I'm the only guy
that crushes on your journal. So whatever, you're a gaylord. :)
Chevy Valentine. We don't visit too much, but I will always consider you my original sister
blogger. We started together and in my opinion we finish together. You are Joe's girl. No
matter how insignificant that may seem.
Jedi Nord...you straight ass brotha. Tango me again and I might fall in love with you too. It's
just cute when a straight guy is really sweet and supportive of a gay guy, no questions asked.
That's all I need to give someone the AOK. I'm tough on people, but when you're the Nord, you're in.
Cati Cati Cati...my sweet and darling Cati. Of everyone I read, you're the one I want to know
the most. YOur emails, your posts, your every being...I wonder about you. If there weren't
such a thing as online journals, I feel that you and I would have crossed paths at some point, regardless.
I have no idea what you look like, but I picture you to be one of the most beautiful creatures
that has walked the earth. I know, lame. But really, you are my internet fantasy. Not that I would
want to do you. Obviously. But I would want to be your friend. Badly. It takes quite a lot for
someone to upset me over the internet, but when I thought that you posted something about me being
an asshole, I got literally upset. I stressed and checked my journal every five minutes for
some sort of clarification. You are cool. Very cool. And we think exactly alike. I don't want
us to ever fight. Especially since some day, I know we are going to be real friends. I just
know it.
Okay...I will end this soon...but I'm finding it to be so much fun.
April - You make me laugh so hard. You are my subconcious. Sometimes I read your journal
and I'm like "Is she serious? Did she just say that and really mean it?" Cuz HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You get away with it too. That's the best part. You are my subconcious. You say the things
that I want to say so badly, but instead I'm like "LYLAS!" and "BE GOOD!". I like you.
I like you as my partner in crime. I think we could do some serious damage.
Okay, serious note...
Keol, thank you. For changing my life. You've been through alot and gosh I don't know what
to say that sums up what I think. Girl, get comments on your site and keep writing the way you
do. Everyone...read her journal and take it for what it is. She's got alot to say and so much
of it will blow you away.
Not so simple - Are you serious? You are the best writer ever and I hate you. LOL!!! (okay,
what am I...12?) (kinda) (I really wrote "LOL") I love your journal and you have such a nice site with writing samples
and snores! Why can't I have writing samples and pictures and stuff? I want my site
to be respected like your site. I think it every day. Every time I click on "Not so Simple", I'm
like "How is she going to be upstaging me once again?". Sike. I just really like everything you
do and say. You're funny and real and honestly, an excellent writer. Rock.
WINDOWSILL WENDY...how could I possibly not write about her until now?!?! Holy shit I love the wendy.
FIrst of all...have you seen a picture of her? Cuz YOWZAH! The girl is a knock-out. And the best
part of it all is that she is self-effacing and real. She is non-stop support and non-stop love.
I read this girl and I think...Am I gay? No seriously...am I gay? Cuz having someone like her
in your life must be the greatest priviledge. I don't know too much about her relationship with
THE JOKER. (And I just LOVE that Joker) She just comes across as like the coolest and most chill prom queen you ever met.
As I said, she is a knock-out. But so real and introspective and cute and am I serious?
Wendy, go away. It makes me think that online gayness isn't hereditary.
Indigo Steve, I love you. I smile at your pictures and I will be your best friend always.
You are my boy. If there was ever a fight, I would scratch and claw anyone's face to make sure
that Max Casella was safe and sound. You know how it is.

Okay, I've got to stop now. I could go on and on for hours, but my buzz is wearing thin.
I just typed and typed so much love that I feel like I could puke in my garbage can.
Okay, maybe that's the 307 vodka tonics I had tonight.

I just feel like I don't take my journaling community as seriously as I should sometimes.
I've had this site for a year and a half and it really wasn't until just recently that I
felt truly affected by the support system that comes about from this whole thing. I remember
writing Indigo Steve one time saying "I don't really read other people's journals and write them
e-mails". Cuz at the time, I didn't. But now, my mind and my heart is so much more open to
this whole experience. I am proud of my journal and I am SO PROUD of my readership. I mean,
you guys gave me money for my upcoming show. You guys sent me e-card after e-card for my
birthday. You write me the nicest stuff when I am feeling like shit. Seriously...fuck. Wow.
Thank you.

Look, if I act all gushy sometimes, it means that things are going well in my life. And when
I feel good, I want nothing more than for my friends and family to feel good as well.
I think you understand. But sorry that I couldn't put links to each of your sites when I
spoke about you. I don't know HTML and I copy and paste the code every time I do it on my site.
And when I'm at home, I don't have the code. So stop being so concerned about publicity and
take a true compliment for once. hahahahahahahahahaohmanI'madick.

So if tonights entry was "too long" and "full of drunken ramble" then fine. For once I didn't look
at this journal as "my next post". I looked at it as a way of saying everything that was in my
mind and in my heart.

And if that's overbearing, then put your fingers in your ass and love it.
hahahaha. Always end on a fingers in the ass reference. It's really the way to go.

Goodnight my babies.

The old Joe vs. The new Joe

Let’s begin.

You see…I went to a very STRAIGHT man college. There were like 5 gay people there and they were scary as fuck. And without exaggerating at all, I was the ONLY gay male in the theater department there. I know, I know. Theater? Filled with gays! But not at my college. At my college, even the gay kids were straight.

So, since I couldn’t really date anyone, I would meet straight guys that I thought I could TURN gay with just a little bit of coaxing and a lot bit of patience. Through my last two years at college, I attempted to change over 4 different guys. 3 of them ended up making out with me and staying in my bed. Pretty great accomplishment if I do say so myself. But once I left school and moved to big cities (ie: Boston and NYC), I realized that my days of turning straight people gay were over. Thankfully. There are enough gays in these cities that it would be foolish of me to still find the need to mess around with pseudo straight guys. Why bother?

For the most part, this change has happened without incident. That is until last night.

We had our first cast meeting at a bar called REVIVAL. It went wonderfully and I drank way too much, as my nerves were brittle and breaking. Ian, the guy I have to “fall in love with” during the show, revealed himself to be a very opinionated, extremely intelligent, chauvinistic, hottie. At one point, he was quoted at saying “Halle Barre only won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball because she laid down and put her feet up in the air.” Um. Yeah. But for some reason, Ian can say this nonsense and still come off like a stud.

During one of our cigarette breaks, Kelly bet me that I would, at some point, have feelings for Ian. That I would go for him, regardless of my belief that straight men are a waste of my time. The minute we started talking about it, I got a bit nervous inside. What if I DO end up having feelings for him? What if I can’t help it and the old Joe comes forward and takes over? I know it sounds ridiculous, but old habits die hard.

In any case, the bet is on. I will do WHATEVER it is I have to do in order to avoid falling head over gay heels in fake love with Ian.
Wish me luck.

Oh by the way, if I win the bet, Kelly has to do my laundry. And in a town where doing laundry is the biggest inconvenience, I am surely going to LOVE watching her cart my huge bag to the cleaners. Heh heh heh. We also made another bet about whether or not Evanescence sings “Bring me to Life”. She thought it was T.A.T.U., I knew she was wrong, shook her hand, and now she has to do my laundry even sooner than was expected. I was like “Kelly, you’re NOT GONNA GET IT!” hahaha lamest lyrical reference of the day.

What else?

Have you ever stopped to think that other people are masturbating about you?
This morning as I sat on the subway, this random guy kept staring at me. I would look away, fake yawn, do a little cough, only to see that nothing deterred him from staring at my face. He stayed that way until I finally got off at my subway stop 50 blocks later. During the walk to my office, I thought about the chance that the guy who was staring at me went home and feverishly jerked off his penis. I am sure it has happened to all of us at one point or another. Hells knows that I’ve jerked off about people I’ve known or just seen on the subway. But when it’s the other way around, it’s kind of violating. Cuz it’s their fantasy, not yours. And you are left to wonder if they are closing their eyes and making you pee all over yourself while they lick your armpits. You understand.

So I keep getting these credit card applications saying that I am “pre-approved”. Yet, every time I send in the forms, I get this horrifying letter back telling me that there is a delinquency on my credit report that prevents them from issuing me a credit card. So I finally wrote a letter asking for a free copy of my report. Now I sit here in FEAR that my statement is going to come and there is going to be an overdue bill on there that I didn’t know about. What if it’s like $1,000? Or a million dollars? Or even worse, what if it’s for $400 and I have to actually pay it? I don’t have $400. I didn’t even have $50 to buy a new pair of shoes. Oh the woes of being a poor actor in NYC. At what point do I just give up and move away to a financially stable home in suburbia?

Yuckowitz. I hate money.

But I love yuckowitz. Thanks for that one Reets.

OH! If you sent me an email over the last week, I have lost it. There was a problem with my Hotmail account. Virus or something and I was forced to expunge all of the emails in my inbox. So please don’t hate me if I didn’t write you back. I don’t remember who I owe emails too and I don’t want anyone to think that I ignored your PRECIOUS little writing to me. PRECIOUS golum golum.

ONE LAST THING
Please welcome the Renee Chronicles! She is one my new loves.


Alright…love ewe. And also love pizza. Can my belly go away now so I can have some?

Have a great weekend y’all.

I’m going to stick my fingers in my ass I think. You do the same.

Yeah.

Three weeks ago, we auditioned this kid, Brad, for our show Stupid Kids. The script calls for the other character to give my character a “titty twister”. Purple nurple, tune in tokyo, whatever you wish. Well, the kid who was auditioning grabbed my tit and twisted it so hard that for the last 3 weeks I have had a yellowish bruise around my nip. Fine. I can deal with that. It’s ugly, but I can deal with that. BUT THEN! This morning I wake up to find that my entire left nipple is swollen and there seems to be a rock hard substance beneath the skin. It is incredibly painful. I have run my fingers over the nipple about a thousand and one times and I can’t figure out what the solid deposit could be made of. Ari has inspected the nipple and she seems to think that it’s just a bad bruise. But do bruises get pregnant with hard deposits? I don’t know.

Either way I could kill that fucker right about now. Good thing we didn’t cast his violent ass in the show. Otherwise I would be severely scared of the scene that calls for him to knife me in the gut.

Sike, there is no such scene. But still, I’d be scared of him twisting and hurting my innocent niggles.

Yes I wrote niggles. Love it.

Anyhoodles, tonight is our first cast meeting! AY YI YI! We are all meeting at a bar at 7pm to get to know one another. I am kind of nervous, kind of excited, but also dreading it. I don’t want to spend any money on this event, but even moreso I don’t want to get to know these people WITHOUT alcohol, so I guess the best decision was made. Can I just NOT be so poor? I couldn’t even buy myself a new pair of kicks. Luckily Ari came to the rescue on that one and got me a pair for my birthday. Do you think they sell nipples for a reasonable price at Walmart? I could surely use a new one.

To me, Nick Lachey is really really hot. He has a new reality show coming out called Newlyweds and supposedly it chronicles his and Jessica Simpson’s first year being married. Okay, I HATE Jessica Simpson, but mostly because she gets to have Nick Lachey in her vaginer. The show itself will probably be LAME CITY USA, but as long as he takes his shirt off every time he’s in front of the camera, I don’t care. I’d watch him take a shit if he had his shirt off. (HORK!) It’s just that he is so damn phyne. And I am so damn swollen from that jerkoff dickhead that twisted my niggle.

Do you think if someone looks up “niggle” on Google, they will come across my site and think that I’m a facist. Er, I mean racist? Cuz honestly, fuck you. Don’t judge me.

Today I bought a three-pack bar of soap. Big news, right? Well kinda. Cuz I bought Coast bar soap for the first time in my life. Supposedly it wakes you up with it’s “refreshing deodorant smell”. I only bought it cause the commercials seem so convincing. I figure, why not try out a little test of my own. Okay, I guess not such big news, huh? Oh I’M sorry. Are you BORED? Yeah, well fine. I didn’t know that this journal was called “For your interest only”!

Shit.

I’m spicey today, right? I don’t know why. I don’t feel spicey. In all actuality, I feel ricey. You know, cuz of my Asian hair.

Okay, should I have called this post “Doing my best to offend all ethnicity’s”? Cuz really. I need to stop. I’m 26 now and we don’t make jokes like that when we are 26.

At 26, we make jokes like this:

“What do you call a fly with no wings?”
Well, “A WALK” of course! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR.

Okay, wanna hear the most ridiculous part about that joke? I am so braindead to jokes that I had to look up “Lame Jokes” on the internet and that’s what I came up with.
I did find one kinda funny one. Wanna hear it?
Fuck yourself then.

Here it is:

What do you call a person with leprosy in a bathtub?

Stew

oh THAT’S rich.

Righty Oh. I am off for today.

Enjoy your Thursday evening. Whatever you decide to do with it.

You stupid niggle.

“By the time you teach her ‘Rappuh’s Delite’, she gone fuhget ‘Juicy’. By the time you teach her ‘Juicy’, she gone fuget “Rappuh’s DeLITE’!” --- Babs (Making the Band 2)

Guess who’s back? Back again. Joey’s back. Tell a friend.

HI!!!

Totally my bad. Who do I think I am anyway? Someone with a real life? Never. Let’s immediately get down to business, since I don’t have an excuse big enough to make up for my lazy lack of posting.

Here are the things I need to discuss:

The present from Ahmad. Yeah. Well, Ahmad came to have lunch with me LAST WEDNESDAY (wow, been a long time) and brought my present with him. After lunch, we went down to the auditorium in my building so I could open up my gift in private. He wrote a beautiful card and the present was wrapped up all nice and shit. Now remember, the present was supposed to exemplify how well Ahmad knows me. I was nervous, excited, and totally curious. When I opened up the gift, guess what it was? No guess. No really…
Hell’s, you’d never be able to guess.

It was the Pasta Pro.

Do you know of the Pasta Pro? It’s the pasta pot with a built in colander. The second I saw it, I looked into his eager eyes and said “Oh wow! The Pasta Pro! My parents got me that for my birthday too!” Ahmad’s face fell and he said “Why didn’t you tell me that? I wanted my gift to you to be something that you really wanted.” I reply “No I DID really want it. And I love that you listen to me when I talk. I just didn’t think to tell you that my parents had already given it to me. I feel terrible. I’m sorry.” We hugged and I thanked him over and over. Then I said goodbye to him and offered to give one of my Pasta Pro’s to Ari. I was a bit disappointed in the gift, but I really shouldn’t have been. How dare I? Ahmad has known me for a month and he really went out of his way for me, what with making me dinner and baking me a cake and all that jazz. But, I thought maybe he'd get me a new car or something. Ah well…will have to work on my gold-digging skillz.

Now…Paul on the other hand….

I showed up at his apartment at 5:30pm last Wednesday. I was told to get there as soon as I could. When I walked in the door, Paul was standing in the bathroom door, butt-naked, shaving his face. I looked at his cock and said “Is that a drip of CUM on your cock?”
Paul quickly looked down and goes “Oops. Yes.”
“What is WRONG with you? It’s my birthday and you’ve already made sure to masturbate so there is no chance of us hooking up tonight. How could you start the night like this?”
“I’m sorry Joe, I was horny.”
“Wipe up your dick and let’s do whatever it is you have planned.”
When Paul got out of the bathroom, he told me that we would watch The Simpsons until 8pm, cuz that is when we had our reservations for dinner.
“Wait. Do you mean to tell me that we are going to smoke a bowl and go to dinner for my birthday?”
“Yes Joe. Is that not good enough?”
“Honestly Paul, it’s not. That’s what we do EVERY night. I thought that maybe you would plan something fun for us to do.”
“Dinner is fun and you are being selfish and greedy.”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? It’s my birthday! How could I even BE selfish and greedy?”
“Just stop it. Let’s watch TV and get ready for dinner.”
10 minutes later I started to cry.
“WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?!?!”
“Because I decided to spend my birthday evening with just you and you haven’t planned shit for us. In fact, I am SURE you waited until this afternoon to plan dinner. I should be seeing my friends, who I know would take me out and plan something fun. But it is so TYPICAL of you to forget about the entire thing and to quickly throw something together. I’m going home.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
(Tears flowing out of my face) “You are the WORST boyfriend on the planet. I will never forget this day.”
“FUCK YOU JOE! We are going to a show at 8pm, but you had to go and ruin it!”
silence.
“huh?”
“We are going to a show and if you could just wait an hour without freaking out…”
silence.
“oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Well now I feel like such an asshole! Why do you have to hurt my feelings in order to surprise me?”

After that we started the night over. We had some wine and got ready to go see De La Guarda.
The show was fucking mind-blowing. I shouldn't explain to you what it was about, but if you EVER have the chance to go see it, you would be FOOLISH to miss it. Definitely the best and most surprising thing I have seen in years. After dinner, Paul took me to “Brasserie” on 52nd street. It was by FAR the nicest and most expensive dinner I have ever had the pleasure of taking part in. We had numerous appetizers, bottles of champagne, and I got the swordfish for dinner. The price of dinner came to $255. UM. He even stopped and bought me dessert on the way home. It was an absolutely wonderful evening and Paul secured his spot in my heart once again. It wasn’t about the money, but rather the fact that he actually planned something, wrote me a nice card, and made sure that I was happy all night long. We laughed and laughed and laughed until we went to bed, happy as gay bugs in a gay bed.

The birthday party I had planned went off pretty smoothly, but to be honest, was my least favorite part of the weekend. The highlight of our night out was that Kelly got a bodybuilder to pick me up and give me a hug. Mmmmmm…that was the hottest. Also, Mariah and Joanna gave me wonderful gifts and everyone treated me really well. It just wasn’t the night I had originally envisioned.

The 4th of July was amazing! We drank beers and margaritas all day and smoked tons of the pot. We hung out on Mariah’s rooftop in Brooklyn and got ourselves a sweet tan. We were also able to watch the fireworks up there. The whole day and night was excellent. There are more details, but why bore you with them? You only care about dicks and vagina.

And that’s that! I feel very lucky to have the friends that I do. They made the whole weekend special and fun. At no point did I want to be anywhere else. I loved my birthday, although anti-climactic at the party.

In other news, I got a letter from my other prisoner pen-pal. He wrote me the nicest letter and I have now decided that the only friends I want to have in my life are people with jail terms. They have nice bodies, are confident and strong, and will take care of me always. There’s just that little detail of them wanting to slice off my face, but whatever. I’ll risk it. I already wrote Carlos back. I hope we fall in love some day.

I haven’t talked to Ahmad since my birthday. As each day goes by, I start feeling even guiltier than I felt the day before. I am convinced that he hates me now. I plan on calling him this afternoon to touch base, but I think he is going to spit on the receiver and put it near his ass so he can fart on me. Why wouldn’t he? I took the present he had for me and never called again. It’s just that Paul and I are doing really well now and I’d like to give our relationship another chance. I told Paul that I would make a decision about Ahmad before the Bahamas trip. He says that I should make my decision now. Although I know that Ahmad and I need to call it off, I am not so sure I want to call off every possibility I have of meeting someone else. I’m doing my best to just “play it by ear” and to “take it day by day”, but that shit is boring and nothing ever gets solved that way. Secretly I must love the drama.
Oh please, openly I must love the drama.

Ok…I think that’s it! I hope this entry will serve as my penance. Work has been a nightmare lately, so I haven’t had the chance to catch up with all of you. But I will make SURE to find time to do so in the next couple of days. I can PROMISE you that. And I can also promise you that I will not eat pizza. Mariah’s birthday card to me had a picture of she and I on the front and I had a HEART ATTACK when I realized how humungous I have gotten over the last couple of months. It used to be funny before. Not it’s just plain sick. This is the size of my belly. AYUK AYUK.

Peace be with you my friends and lesbians.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to busy at work to write today and will not be home later. Sorry for the lack of postness. Promise to fill everyone in on all of the fun tomorrow.

Please don’t hate me.

And

Please don’t miss me too much.

I love you with the love of a thousand corpses.

SO!

I have just finished getting ready for my sweet 26th birthday party. I am MAD excited, to say the least. The John Mayer CD is playing in the background while I type this and I am wearing the new shirt that my friend Angie got me. I must say, I look pretty fly tonight. Love handles or not. I am currently chugging down a Corona Light and getting my mind ready for the next two days. Only me would plan a party that spans over 36 hours. I hope everyone is in for a raging good time, since I am in a raging kind of mood.

Last night Paul showed me the TIME of my life. I have so much to say about it, but will be forced to explain at a later date. Let's just say that I was treated like a prince. He was the most perfect gentleman. I felt so lucky to have him last night. Gosh, it was beautiful.

Today I bought myself a new pair of shoes, thanks to my dear friend Ari. They cost me only $5 more than what she had given me and they are FUH FUH FUH FLYYYYYYYYYYY! I am happy. And my feet have finally stopped screaming at me. So I guess all is good in that area.

I got my picture taken for the Daily News today and it was less than fun. He showed me a few of the pictures after he took them and I was like "SICK! WHO IS THAT FAT ZITTY GAYLORD OF A FREAK PRETENDING TO BE ON THAT PAYPHONE?!?" So, needless to say, if they come out poorly, none of you will be able to see it. I am not about to let the first time my face is shown to be ugs. You understand.

Kelly got me the most amazing gift ever! She is taking me to see the show Take Me Out. It's a Broadway play (my first!) about a gay baseball player. Not only have I heard that the show is incredible, there are naked boys throughout the entire production. YAH HOOOOOOO! We go at 3pm on Sunday. She's the breast.

I am just loving my birthday. I always get so worked up about it in my head. You know, like it's not going to turn out exciting or fun. But every year it does. And this year is no exception. My friends are all showing up at 9pm to have some champagne and then we are off to the bars.

There is only one thing I wish I could change about this evening.

I wish my Rita could be here. It's times like this that I miss her the most. Whenever something big happens in my life, all I want is for Rita to share it with me. Luckily I am going to visit her next weekend in Syracuse. Her birthday present to me is a free roundtrip ticket. I mean, who could ask for a better gift? Not only do I not have to pay to see her, I get to spend a whole 48 hours with her. It's unreal. It's surreal. It's how I wish we could spend every day. Just like old times.

Gosh, I miss her.

Alright...off to put the final touches on my makeup. The lipstick I got just isn't working. I might have to run out to Sephora real quick and grab a new color.

SIKE!

LATAS LOVAHS!

YAY BIRTHDAY!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Today has been AWESOME so far! I feel naturally happy and excited about what is in store for me. Everyone at work has been incredibly sweet and they even got me some cards and presents. Ari gave me a gift certificate to buy new shoes, which if I haven’t said it enough, I desperately need. The sole on my right foot is almost completely ripped off. Ari, in her divine wisdom, and motherly care, thought to get me a gift that I really NEEDED. Thank the Lord. I would have had to spend my day with one shoe on and one flapping in the wind!

Also, member how I did that interview with the Daily News about living in NYC without a cell phone? Well, the reporter called me this morning and told me that they are INDEED going to take my picture to put with the article. YAYAYAYAYAY!!! Tomorrow at 1pm, I get to go stand at a pay phone in Times Square, pretending that I am making a call to all of my friends. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I am hella excited. My picture is going to be in the paper a week from this Sunday. As soon as I know the link to the article, I will post it so you can all see what I look like. Unless the picture is terrible, in which case, you can keep wondering.

I got cards from my uncle and granny, both with money in them. My brother called me from Baghdad to wish me a good day. That was probably the best part of the whole day so far. It meant SO much to me to hear his voice. We had a great talk and I felt very positive when we got off the phone. It was the first time that I haven’t cried after talking to him. So that’s a good thing.

Paul is being overwhelmingly sweet today. I stayed at his place last night so that we could ring in my b-day together. I didn’t tell him that I was going to stay there, as I wanted to surprise him. Ironically enough, he went to my apartment with a bouquet of flowers, only to find me missing. He then jumped on the subway and found me in his apartment watching TV. In order to make up for me missing out on the flowers, I told him that he could buy me McDonalds. Heh heh heh. It was a pretty sweet deal. I shoved a Big Mac meal in my mouth at 1am. Nothing like making yourself extra blubbery for the birthday celebrations.

Paul let me wear his clothes today, which he never does. He is supposed to call me in a bit to let me know what he has planned for tonight. I am pretty excited to spend the evening with him. Honestly, he is the only one I want to be with tonight. It’s the first birthday of mine that we have spent together since we met. In the past he lived in Boston and could never make it. But this year I get to spend the actual day with him. I am thrilled.

Ahmad is coming up to my office to take me out to lunch. He is bringing his present for me. I have no idea what it could be, but the anticipation is definitely killing me. Remember, he says that the gift will showcase what a “good listener” he is. Eggselent.

I want to thank EVERYONE for sending me E-cards. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I opened up my “Cut the Shit” account this morning and found all of those cards. You all care! You really really do. It makes me want a hot dog REAL bad. Snicker snicks.

You are all the BREAST. Thank you from my little gay heart. Rebecca Gayheart.

So last night we had the callbacks for the show I am in. They went very well. We cast the guy I wanted and I am bubbling over with nervous excitement. Our first cast meeting is a week from tomorrow. The guy I get to kiss is so adorable and manly. We didn’t go with the super hot guy from the first night of auditions. Thank God too. He was a bit scary last night. So scary, in fact, that he made up a full script during our audition. He did like half the lines he was supposed to and completely made up other lines and said them. I just sat there thinking “You know, you are so beautiful, but if I ever have to act in another scene with you again, I am going to pee on you.” Dehydrated birthday pee, no less.

The end.

Tomorrow night is my big party. ROCK! Everyone is pretty excited, including me. Well, I HOPE me. It is MY party, afterall. And I will surely cry if I want to. I have no idea what I am going to wear. Ah geez…so much to do. We have a huge BBQ planned for Friday. I have to go tomorrow and get the food with Mariah. Damn, so much to do. I am starting to stress a bit.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! So much fun and so much to do. So much to do. Let’s all say it one more time: SO MUCH TO DO!!!

AY YI YI!!

Okay, thaz it! I might not be in here for a couple of days. I am off from work tomorrow and Friday. I will try to stop in this weekend, but if I don’t…Have a WONDERFUL 4th of July my friends!

Thanks again for making my birthday extra special.

One more day until my BIRFDAY!

YIPPEE SKIPS!

Last night was the official start to the birthday fun. Ahmad invited me over to his place to celebrate the occasion. We had great conversation, laughed so hard, and we shared things about our lives that we had yet to disclose. On the subway over, I felt anxious about seeing him. Whenever we have intense hook-ups, I always want him out of my life. I don’t know how to enjoy sex and Ahmad gets penalized for that. Once we got to talking, I brought the subject up and we had a very enlightening conversation about us and about the relationship that we are pursuing with each other. My anxiety took the back seat after that.

Ahmad not only had two bottles of really good Chardonnay waiting for me; he had a bottle of champagne. He made me a birthday dinner, which consisted of cheeseburgers, cheese fries, and Caesar salad. He also made me (from scratch) a carrot cake with cream cheese icing. (All of this and the kid doesn’t eat cheese!) At the end of the night, he came into the bedroom with the cake all lit up with candles and sang to me. From his trip to Vegas, he brought me a Ritz Carlton bathrobe, some phone cards, and candy. Tomorrow he is meeting me for lunch and that is when he is giving me my actual birthday present. Although I consider the robe to be my birthday present. I saw the price tag and it was $125. Yikers.

I had SO much fun with him. We didn’t hook up last night, but we did kiss and hold a lot. I finally went to sleep around 2:30am and had to wake up at 7:15am. Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to my nap this afternoon. Ahmad and I talked at great lengths about my brother and I showed him the letter I got from Baghdad. He is the first person I have shown the letter to and he was the definite right choice. He went on and on about how beautiful my relationship with my brother is and how he can’t wait to meet him. He was so supportive and it was nice. I am glad that I showed him the letter first.

In other news…

Member how I wrote two pen pal letters to prisoners?? Member how I am crazy and I do shit like that? Well, yesterday I got a letter back from one of the prisoners: Trent. UM! It was a really amazing letter and the guy was totally cool. He did refute the fact that he didn’t kill the person the law said he did, but I don’t care either way. This guy is HOTTT and it will be fun to have a pen pal that is beautiful AND dangerous. He has been in Playgirl three times and in the letter he says that he is "bigger and tighter now". Bigger is always better for me. He's too lean in this other pic.

The one thing that stood out to me about his letter was how starved he is for human contact. He was honest and straightforward, but thanking me over and over for writing him. I guess jail can be a very lonely place. Who would’ve thought?

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday!
Here is a little tidbit I bet you didn’t know about me:
I was born on 7/2/77 at 7:27pm and weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces. Also, my social security number is XXX-72-XXXX. Also, I have 7 fingers and 2 toes.
Ha. Sike. But the rest is true! I wonder what that all means. Some day I will have to figure it out. But for now, it’s just a nice little conversation piece.
Right?
For example:
“Hi Barbara! Do you want to know a strange little tidbit about me?” I would ask.
“No.”, Barbara would say.
“But Babs, I really want to share something about my life with you.” I would say back.
“I asked you not to call me Babs.” Barbara would say firmly.
“Well you see, I was born on 7/2/77 at 7:27pm and…” I would begin.
**Gunshot**
“Oh that’s real nice Babs. Now I’m bleeding.”
Barbara exits through the window on the left. Seemingly in a hurry.

I spent the majority of the morning putting the final touches on my birthday party. YAY! I hope everyone is excited and not too burnt out from Gay Pride Weekend. I also hope people bring me presents, although they totally don’t have to. But I also hope that people pay for my drinks when we go out, although they totally don’t have to. And one last thing I hope for is solitude.

Sike! Imagine I wanted solitude for my birthday? That’s just quazy.

Let me introduce you to my FAVORITEST NEW ARTIST!

Jason Mraz!!!

(Please take a listen. "The Remedy" was the song that got me into him. But the rest is so good too. He's better than John Mayer. snicker snicks)

I adore this kid. His voice is GREAT and I just LOVE his music. I have been playing some of the songs from his new album this morning and I am LURVING it. He does a remake of Kermit the Frog’s Rainbow Connection and it is INCREDIBLE. Please spend a minute acquainting yourself with Jason Mraz. He wants me to call him “Razzie”, but I think that’s a bit lame. He will always be “Mr. Little Guy Jason” to me. You understand.

I guess that’s it.

The next time I write in here, it will be my BIRTHDAY!

AY YI YI!

(Come on Razzie, let’s go get a drink)
(No Babs, you can’t come)